11: HIPS and CREPES

My mom was visiting recently and took a photo of me which she then emailed me. I believe her intentions were benevolent but opening that jpeg file was like opening the Ark in The Raiders of the Lost Ark; I had to look away from the image or my face meat would have melted off of my bone. Due to some bizarre reverse form of Body Dismorphic Disorder (I have apparently been seeing myself as looking far more reasonable than I actually do) I had no idea what I really looked like until I saw that photo - I am an airplane hangar. Meanwhile, L has started running every morning before work - makin' me look even worse - jerk.

Aside from my massive, ever-expanding girth, the most significant affliction I am noticing at this stage (week 34 or so) is my hips perpetual dislocation. Perhaps they are not actually dislocated but they feel as though the top of my femurs (the balls of the ball joints) have become unmoored from there stations; the muscles and tendons being rocked asunder by any movement of the mass formerly familiar to me as my body.

In undoubtedly related news, I finally got to eat at L's restaurant. We drove down to San Luis Obispo (L's last trip for a while) and while he attended to various technological problems at his restaurant (Le Ciel) and a friends restaurant (Novo), I sat, read an entire book and downed a different crepe every hour or so. fantastic.

I am quite sure I'll be breaking the 200 pound barrier by the time all is said and done.

On another front - all sorts of fantastic baby junk is arriving at our doorstep. If there was a time when you tossed your kid in the yard with a couple wooden spoons and everyone was happy, that time is no more. Surely, without a fully automated, swinging, vibrating, multi-tilt position aquarium themed swing, our child would grow up to shoot a bunch of people.

TEN: The Doul-a

I know why pregnant women glow. It's just what happens when one's skin is stretched to it's limits across a vast expanse of bloated body.

I haven't updated in a while because, among other things, I move in slow motion. Also, I/we were busy with house guests and a housewarming party - we finally cracked the seal on our home. Being acutely aware of our dwindling time as a duo, L and I have preferred to hide in our house together whenever possible. It helps that he is a great cook, I am a great ice cream purchaser and that we have a giant screen on which to watch trashy tv and movies.

The biggest news related to the pregnancy is that we've found a doula. For those of you who are unfamiliar, a doula is a birth coach/companion of sorts...someone who is there throughout the labor (in my case, starting at home and then moving to the hospital) to support the laboring woman and her partner. At home, they can assure you that you are not dying and can tell you when it is time to go to the hospital (two things L and I would not likely be able to determine on our own) and once at the hospital, they can advocate for you, educate staff about your birth plan, and help you make sane decisions. Statistically speaking, women who have doulas experience significantly shorter labor, less use of medication, forceps, and c-sections. The doula we hired - Anna - is also a photographer and will take pictures if the parent(s) desire.

If my description above does not quench your thirst for information about doulas, below is Anna's website address....

familydoulaservices.com

Meanwhile, I continue to expand and although I generally feel okay during the day (minus the aftermath of the multiple episodes of overeating), sleeping has become increasingly elusive. L keeps reminding me that once the baby is born, it'll be just a few more years before I'll be able to sleep again.

My lack of sleep has allowed for at least one positive thing: a voracious reading schedule. Aside from wondering why the next New Yorker is taking so long to arrive, I've been brushing up on a lot of boring birth/baby related reading while still being able to indulge my interests in things such as methamphetamine addiction and gender identity disorder. My most recent read and recommendation is:

"She's Not There" by Jennifer Finney Boylan. Jennifer is a professor at my old college and although I did not take a class with her (him - James Boylan - at that time), I knew who he was because many of my friends raved about him as a creative writing professor. Years after I graduated, he made the transition to female. Fantastic book about his experience as a transgendered person and his relationships through his transition.

Another (older) recommendation "The Kid" by Dan Savage (of the column "Savage Love") about the adoption of his son with his partner. Irreverent (not for the timid) and yet extremely heartfelt stuff about the increasingly common practice of open adoption vs. traditional, closed adoption.

I write as if someone, anyone said "hey, can you start giving out book recommendations on your blog?" No one did. But there you go anyway.

And although I keep getting requests for photos of the...expansion project I've decided, for the sake of my self, to include a picture I just found from when I was thin and my life was sassy.

NINE: The photo shoot

So many kind comments about that last entry - about how I don't LOOK like I weigh 180, how I carry it so well and so on. I am flattered and compelled to tell you that the contrast (between the picture and the pounds declaration/reality) was intentional. That 'casual' photo took approximately 2 hours and a 3 pints of tears. Fortunately, L has decided to stick around in spite of being totally traumatized by his role as photographer/therapist/perpetrator.

In other news, after our most recent midwife appointment she declared her desire to see us every two weeks now instead of every four. This means that not only am I pregnant (a concept I was just adjusting to), I am very pregnant. As it turns out I am going to give birth to a baby in approximately 9 weeks. I was totally shocked.

That said, I am getting kind of anxious to meet Chum. So few clues about his disposition, personal style, and mien...right now all I know is he's anatomically a boy and may, at age six, look like some combination of the following:

I look like Russell Crowe in that picture.

And ONLY for those who have expressed interest, we finally engaged in the overwhelming, exhausting, bicker-inducing and degrading consumer experience known as "registering." So if you like babies who look like Russell Crowe and are dying to buy Chum some crap he probably doesn't need, I am registered for a bunch of kids books through amazons baby registry (I selected the first books that came up but please search and purchase the used/cheaper versions of those titles):

http://www.amazon.com/gp/baby/homepage?ie=UTF8&%2AVersion%2A=1&%2Aentries%2A=0

...and a bunch of little people stuff at Babies R Us:

http://www.toysrus.com/shop/index.jsp?categoryId=2255957

To those who have not expressed interest in buying Chum a gift he won't appreciate, please do NOT feel obliged to do so just because you read this blog and I am so unclassy as to include my registry information. Instead, you can rub my feet, feed me or change some diapers (mine or Chum's) next time you see me.